On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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