I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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