First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
