you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
