you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
