Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
