now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
