his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
