i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
