If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
