last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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