omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
