Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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