I want to have your abortion
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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