when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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