Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize