So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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