New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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