What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize