Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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