I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
