fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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