Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
