haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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