it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
