your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
