haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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