sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
