smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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