I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
