So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
