his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
