I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
