dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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