he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
