Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drunk is a universal language darling
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
