One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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