I don't usually arrange sex via text message
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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