Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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