and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
