I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
