New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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