I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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