look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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