We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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