The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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