It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
