'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
