I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
