ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
