last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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