your parents love me but you hate me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
