just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
