he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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