My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
