I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize