hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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