New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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