I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
