You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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