my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
