didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize