his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize