im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
