Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
