I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
