Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
