I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
