There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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